The Red Belt Test

By Seamas Mac Daibhid & THL Moira Nic Bryn

Last Additions April XLII (2008)

In recent years my lady Moira and I have noticed that some people aren't sure just what makes an SCA fighter a Red Belt. After all, you don't wear the darn belt all the time. Even when you do wear it, well, the most common form of color-blindness is Red-Green, especially among men. For all you know, you could really be Apprentice to a Laurel instead of Squire to a Knight.

Lady Moira and I think we can help. After some discussion, we've worked out a bunch of the principal characteristics of a Red Belt. If you aren't sure about yourself, take this simple quiz and the matter should clear right up. Good luck!

If your children didn't learn to spell "cat"
until after they could spell "rattan",
you might be a red belt.
If you drive a 1963 Cadillac
because nothing built since
has a big enough trunk
for your armor bag,
you might be a red belt.
If the centerpiece
of your investment portfolio
is a duct tape company,
you might be a red belt.
If you base long-term relationships
on how fast your lover
can lace up your armor,
you might be a red belt.
If you've had to replace
more than three windows of your house
because somebody
knocked your helm through them,
you might be a red belt.
If there are gauntlet- and
vambrace-shaped holes
in highway signs around your town,
you might be a red belt.
If you don't know a single verse
of "Amazing Grace"
but know all the words
to "A Grazing Mace,"
you might be a red belt.
If you've ever put up your stock of rattan
as collateral for a loan,
you might be a red belt.
If your wife ever had to stay home
because there wasn't room for her
and the beer and the armor,
you might be a red belt.
If you think a "drive-by shooting"
means archers in a wagon,
you might be a red belt.
If you've ever dumped a boyfriend
because you just couldn't teach him
to keep his shield in close,
you might be a red belt.
If you had to buy a second filing cabinet
to hold your armor patterns,
you might be a red belt.
If you've ever had to
unload the polearms
from the roof of your vehicle
to clear a freeway underpass,
you might be a red belt.
If you keep a collection of dented helms
the way Dick Tracy kept a collection
of old hats with bullet holes,
you might be a red belt.
If your smoke alarm goes off
and you grab your armor bag
before you grab your kids,
you might be a red belt.
If you were thrown out
of both Henry V and
Highlander for screaming,
"Aw, c'mon, he was wide open!"
during the fight scenes,
you might be a red belt.
If you've ever stayed up past midnight
arguing the benefits
of solid rivets vs. pop-rivets,
you might be a red belt.
If the best man at your wedding
wore chainmail,
you might be a red belt.
If the bridesmaids at your wedding
wore chainmail bikinis,
¦
well,
¦
you might be a Tuchuk.
If you've ever called in sick at work
so you could go to
a regional fighter practice,
you might be a red belt.
If you've ever cried because
Pennsic was over and
there were still two thousand
people you hadn't fought,
you might be a red belt.
If an off-color joke ever reminded you
to fix your sword's thrusting tip,
you might be a red belt.
If you ever accidentally
knocked down a server at feast
showing your table how
you got past Sir Whosit's shield,
you might be a red belt.
If your computer's screen saver reads,
"Once more unto the breach, dear friends! Once more!"
you might be a red belt.
If your boyfriend spends more time
lacing up your armor
than your court garb,
you might be a red belt.
If you've ever said,
"We don't have to stop—
it's only one-inch hail,"
you might be a red belt.
If you don't work for Microsoft
because you skipped the interview
to go to Gulf Wars,
you might be a red belt.
If there's a charity deduction
on your taxes for donations
to the Old Waterbearer's Home,
you might be a red belt.
If you dated a beekeper
because you wanted the beeswax
to boil your leather armor,
you might be a red belt.
If you ever gave up
your polearms for Lent,
you might be a red belt.
If you used the CAD program at work
to design your new gauntlets,
you might be a red belt.
If you have a bumper sticker that says,
NONE SHALL PASS,
you might be a red belt.

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